


Never A-Okay

by Trippyxdevil



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Hanahaki Disease, Heartbreak, How Do I Tag, Love Confessions, M/M, One-Sided Love, Sad Ending, pretty sure i was depressed when i wrote this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:21:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24433492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trippyxdevil/pseuds/Trippyxdevil
Summary: “Makki-Chan?...are you alright?..” Oikawa asked as he cautiously approached the male that was down on his knees; as he said this, all the attention was brought to Hanamaki.Several different colored flower petals were scattered on the court ground.Hanamaki’s eyes were widened with both fear and shock; it couldn’t be, not once more.‘I thought...how..?’Or, a simple, classic, cliche story of a very unrequited romance.
Relationships: Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei
Comments: 2
Kudos: 50





	Never A-Okay

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s note: when I first wrote this, I knew nothing of angst or how to put feelings into a work. All I really knew was that I’m a very emotional person who should try writing angst. So now im here, with a new version of this story. I hope you enjoy loves; mwah 😘

Hanamaki Takahiro sat very quietly on the bench that belonged to Aoba Johsai’s gymnasium. As he sat there he took in all of his surroundings. For the male, it was his first year of high school and now he was currently here at the volleyball tryouts for some strange and odd reason. Personally, he didn’t really know how and why he got here; all he did was follow one of his peers and ended up at the gym, the rest was literal history; mostly because he didn’t remember what happened after the coach refused to let him leave.

But there was one thing Hanamaki had already realized; he sucked at sports.

He was legitimately the only unskilled, newbie among all the others; everyone at least knew what to do. He did not. Because of this reason, many of the other guys kept glancing or peering at him with a look of disapproval. Hanamaki felt horrible, especially since he couldn’t even ‘receive’ a ball; to be fair, he had no idea what a receive was, or what a blocker was. He honestly did not know any positions or terms. But there was one benefit to the mess he had entrapped or enclosed himself in, which was whenever it was his turn to hit the ball, he made all the other guys look like complete fools or imbeciles.

“So measuring 5’8 has its benefits huh?” The pinkette said aloud to no one in particular; it was mostly directed to himself.

“Not as much as measuring 6’” a boy replied back; Hanamaki instantly arose from his leaning back position. He immediately felt a heat arise on his face. The pinkette personally did not know why exactly he was blushing, and why he couldn’t come up with or find any words in his mind; it was as if his mouth were blocked. The boy that stood before him did not at all have an intimidating appearance: it was more warm than cold. He had dark, jet black hair that seemed to want to curl but instead just appeared messy and uncontrollable. The male also wore, what Hanamaki liked to call, a ‘lazy grin’ on his face. And his eyebrows topped the raven’s entire features; they were smooth, sharp, and full. Also Hanamaki took note of something else too; the other was definitely a few inches taller than himself, which made Hanamaki’s mind go into overdrive; this caused a more apparent crimson red to develop on his face.

The raven felt a bit awkward over the silence that was between himself and the other male who, he still hadn’t learned the name of. 

“Ah, sorry for being intrusive, should’ve known you were talking to yourself, but I’m Matsukawa Issei” The raven who was now identified stated, as he held out a hand to greet and appropriately introduce himself to the other very crimson male.

“Oh, I-I’m Hanamaki Takahiro, also intrusiveness is welcomed, I could use the company, everyone here is incredibly quiet, well except for the brunette, did ya see..erm..his..the things..where he threw the ball and hit it”

Matsukawa let out a few audible snickers; Hanamaki turned further crimson; if that could even be any more possible. The male himself personally felt and believed that he had said the wrong thing. Hanamaki could not visualize himself already ruining his chances of being friend’s, allies, comrades, or whatever, with the raven that stood before him.

“They’re called serves...not to be rude or anything..but why are you here if you don’t know how to play?” Matsukawa asked genuinely curious. Hanamaki shrugged and averted his eyes as he gave a response.

“Erm..I-um...I kinda followed one of my classmates..and well...Now I’m here..” 

Matsukawa smiled at the statement, “If you want, I can show you everything I know....I personally think you’d make a great wing-spiker...you have the height..and surprisingly, you have the skills”

Hanamaki quirked a brow as he began to convert his expression from sole and whole embarrassment, to now complete and unavoidable confusion; Matsukawa caught on pretty quick that the other did not comprehend a single word he had just said. Which is why he decided to finally take a seat, and explain exactly what he meant.

“That’s the person who hits the ball, they tend to be the ones who score...actually, you could maybe be ace of the team, now wouldn’t that be cool?” Matsukawa asked as he looked up at the bright lights that lined the gymnasium ceiling; Hanamaki couldn’t help but admire the raven’s side profile. Matsukawa seemed to have a strong jawline that was leaving Hanamaki absolutely speechless, breathless and up to a point: warm.

“...erm..yes, I guess...sorry, you’re going to have to explain all of this..I’ve never played volleyball” Hanamaki admitted in a shame filled voice, Matsukawa glanced at him and stood up; he held out a hand.

Hanamaki gulped, he had no idea what would happen if he took the other’s hand. But he doubted it could be anything bad. With his own hand Hanamaki grabbed the other’s kind gesture and took it for himself. 

“I say we get started” the raven announced warmly, Hanamaki smiled himself.

“Yeah, alright”

-

“Makki-Chan?...are you alright?..” Oikawa asked as he cautiously approached the male, whom was down on his knees; as the other male audibly stated this, all the attention was brought to Hanamaki.

Several different colored flower petals were scattered on the court ground. 

Hanamaki’s eyes were widened with both fear, shock and humiliation; it couldn’t be, not once more.

‘I thought...how..?’ Hanamaki could not at  
all think properly; at the very current moment, nothing made logical sense. He had repeatedly told himself he was over those very distracting and disturbing romantic feelings. He hadn’t coughed up flowers in a whole year; cherry blossoms hadn’t once escaped his mouth. Why on earth was it back now of all times? What had called upon it this time?

Hanamaki sighed as he wiped his mouth of the remaining blood and saliva. 

There was no other way of moving around it, or avoiding it. Hanamaki was deep into an endless and unrequited love. He was lovestruck by the presence of Matsukawa Issei; a guy who would only ever be his best friend, and who also gave way his heart to someone that wasn’t himself.

Matsukawa had a girlfriend, loved and adored someone else; Hanamaki knew he shouldn’t be coughing the flowers back up, but it was inevitable. Just glancing at the male would make him cough up his whole heart and scientifically speaking: lungs. 

The pinkette felt something at the back of his throat once more; he swallowed the petals down and felt instant aching, uncomfortable, tender, gnawing pain. He refused to take in mind how much this was hurting himself. At this point, Hanamaki was killing himself without wanting to make the harsh realization himself. 

“...dude..are you alright?..” Matsukawa asked, meddling with the flower petals that laid on the ground while also kneeling in front of Hanamaki; the male was all that could be seen in the other’s field of vision. 

“N-Nothing..it’s nothing..it’s nothin — “  
Hanamaki was incapable of finishing his stammered out sentence; soon, he began to cough up blood and saliva covered flowers and petals. This time, everyone was able to see the beautiful but horrid truth. Hanamaki felt feelings of both embarrassment and humiliation; not once in his life had he ever felt this vulnerable; his vulnerability had never once put him down on his knees. Today was the first.

Matsukawa tried to grasp his friend, but he felt so out of reach; the raven couldn’t grab him, couldn’t touch him. 

Before Matsukawa even knew it, he was way too late. Hanamaki instantly shoved him away; it was used as a defense mechanism, as a way to protect himself, but in reality he wanted to pull the other closer. However, he decided to also shove those absurd thoughts away and stand up, on weakened and shaking legs. He held his head in a bowed position and excused himself from the eyes that watched and viewed his actions closely, carefully, precisely. 

He escaped to the club room. To the only sanctuary where he could cough his lungs out. Could cry, beg, plead for help and mercy, only to still not receive any.

As the male walked away, petals of divine cherry blossoms were leaving their trace; a trail that could easily be followed, and be led up to a very saddening sight. 

Matsukawa gathered the petals on the ground and firmly closed his hand around them; a sign showing of his real intentions. He arose from his position and quietly followed after his closest friend. All he could think about was the disease that he once believed to be nothing but a simple folk’s tale; one that warned about love being a cruel and beautiful thing. 

When Matsukawa got to his destination, he felt anxiety and a new indescribable feeling; this feeling had no name just dwelled deep within his heart and stomach. As Matsukawa stepped into the club room, he discovered Hanamaki pulling on his sweater frantically, all while gasping for breath and letting clear transparent streams fall from his eyes. The raven did not like the sight he was witnessing, but he didn’t know what to say or do; he was rendered absolutely speechless and unable to commit actions. In many ways his guilt and shame were weighing him down, preventing him from doing anything.

Hanamaki did not notice the other’s presence, and Matsukawa did not bother to clear the air by making a sound. Gasping breaths, horrid sobs, and silent pleas were all that echoed in the room. 

Just heartbreak was being heard off all of the surrounding walls.

Hanamaki kept coughing up more and more of the petals; now they were mostly blood-soaked. He knew something was up; someone he didn’t want to see due to his shame was here. The pinkette turned his head slightly and was not surprised to see a guilt-filled Matsukawa standing by the club room door. 

Hanamaki wiped his mouth, and swallowed every one of the flowers that were threatening to come up; he wanted to form a question or sentence without any interruptions. He wanted official closure. 

Hanamaki needed it. 

“What’s wro—“ Hanamaki began, but was not allowed to finish up. Matsukawa decided to speak up from where he stood; he was once quiet, but now the raven’s pained voice was audible to Hanamaki’s ears. 

“...Takahiro..am I the cause?..” Matsukawa asked softly, trying not to let any of his crumbling guilt emerge itself in his very own words. Hanamaki said nothing, just swallowed down his heartbreak and contemplated on what to say in silence; after a few seconds he decided that maybe giving away his emotions was the best choice he had. 

“...I told myself it was gone..told it to myself every night and day..but not many can forget their first love so easily..no matter how much rejection, no matter how many realizations..if you’re in love, then you’re in love..but I’m sorry to have fallen for you, I didn’t mean to..it just happened...but I know you aren’t mine...” Hanamaki expressed all while wearing a fake smile. Tears wanted to fall, but the pinkette knew that showing any more vulnerability wouldn’t change the outcome of his confession.

He knew better then to expect pity from a sincere person. 

Matsukawa was left absolutely and completely quiet; he had no clue on what exactly to say or do. The whole entirety of the situation was just a lot to take in and understand at the same time. In that moment, all he wanted to say was an apology on his behalf for not being able to return the same romantic feelings. But at the same time, he did not know if he’d be saying the full honest truth by stating he didn’t love Hanamaki. To this very point he was strongly convinced that he held no feelings towards the other, but this current moment was making him question every single opinion he’d ever had on the other.

“...Issei...may I just ask you of one thing..?” 

“..y-yes..” Matsukawa responded in a quiet and hushed tone; the stuttered word was the only audible thing to Hanamaki.

“..just once..tell me you love me..even if you don’t mean a single word of it...make my suffering end...” Hanamaki murmured quietly as he began to approach the raven; Matsukawa watched exactly how Hanamaki reached for his hand and put it right onto his chest; the raven could feel the thumping of an alive heart against his palm. This one area held the most fragile organ in the human body.

“..Please...break my heart completely..” 

Matsukawa felt his breathing grow uneven and shallow; The raven didn’t want to inflict any more hurt. It was very clear he had already caused enough damage; if this were to continue, then more than one person would come out broken.

“...Takahiro...I’m sorry..but I can’t..I don’t want to hurt you an—“ 

Hanamaki didn’t let Matsukawa conclude; he didn’t want to hear any further. The pinkette let go of the other’s hand And said nothing. He didn’t want to say anything; personally the pinkette knew that it would make the situation he was currently in 10x worse. He felt like a fool for believing that maybe there could’ve been a chance, just one single chance that made himself and Issei something that he had always dreamed of. But Rejection was bound to happen; nothing else was expected. Not an ‘I love you’, nor any kisses or hugs. 

That only happens in fairy tales; this was the modern world.

Hanamaki backed away from Matsukawa and gave the other his back. The raven witnessed the other grab his belongings and said nothing when Hanamaki exited the room; not even a whispered plead of ‘stay’ or the simple word ‘sorry’. Matsukawa fell to the ground and felt his breathing grow quick and shallower: deep breaths we no longer a thing. For some non-logical resin he felt his heart breaking. Why was it breaking? Why on earth was it breaking? He didn’t understand, but he also knew it was better if he never understood. Matsukawa let the tears pour down his face; he kept repeating to himself that he was not in love, that nothing hurt. 

Issei had to convince himself that he did not love Takahiro.  
.  
.  
Matsukawa eventually walked back into the gymnasium; not a single living person said anything to him. The gloomy expression and red eyes clearly told the team that he didn’t want to talk or discuss anything revolving around the topic.

The raven continued to practice, but eventually he felt something threaten to fall out of his throat. He began to cough very suddenly; he coughed heavily into his elbow and his eyes widened in horror.

A few blood-soaked rose petals rested there, slowly sliding from his inner elbow, down onto the court ground. 

Issei said he wasn’t in love; had convinced himself that Hanamaki was only his closest friend. But now the evidence was on his arm. 

All the proof was right there; all the evidence was being laid out and displayed for everyone to witness. Issei had just been caught in a string of clear and transparent lies.


End file.
